


Broken Without You

by Kienna



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: AmazingCat, Angst, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Depression, M/M, Phan - Freeform, implied depression, some curse words
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-19
Updated: 2014-08-31
Packaged: 2018-02-13 19:15:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 7,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2162007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kienna/pseuds/Kienna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil decides to move away to live with his girlfriend Cat Valdes and her dog Beta. This leaves Dan alone in London.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Pilot

**Author's Note:**

> We will be posting a new chapter everyday!

~Dan POV~

“And our final question comes from Twitter user, Kenna. She asks, I assume they’re a she, If you had to give up Phil or Maltesers, who would you give up?” Dan looks at the camera like the audience is crazy, and moves on without answering the question. “This going to be a sort of serious end to the video. Phil could you come in here?” _Don’t look at him, you know its best for him._ Phil comes in and sits himself down almost tipping over on the bed. Typical Phil.

“Hi everybody!” Phil waves and Dan smiles for the camera. “Okay, so…” He takes a deep breath. “We have some news, that you, our internet support group could react badly, or positively, to. Phil, would you like to tell them?” _I can’t do it. Not on camera._

Phil nods. “I have decided that I will be moving in with my girlfriend Cat, who has the YouTube channel, catrific. That means I’ll be living in LA with her, to be close to her and slightly closer to my own family. Which means Dan,” Phil puts his arms up, gesturing wildly at his soon-to-be-ex-flatmate, “Will stay here until the end of the month.” Dan nods tightly, avoiding eye contact with Phil. _Alone in the flat for another two weeks._ “We aren’t discontinuing our friendship or anything like that.” Phil promises, looking at Dan.

“I’ll still be doing my danisnotonfire videos, and he’ll be doing his AmazingPhil ones. Nothing is going to change particularly drastically.” Except my entire world. “On another note,” Dan adds, fixing his hair for what felt like the twentieth time that video. “We obviously will be discontinuing our Radio One shows.” _Despite the fact that BBC offered me the same position, for the same hours, and I just didn’t want to be doing it without Phil._ Phil looks at the camera, and smiles. Always happy. Even when he was going to move thousands of miles away from his best friend.

Dan waved his goodbye to the lens, and told Phil to stand up. “We’ve got to do the Sexy Endscreen Dance,” Dan said, adjusting his camera slightly. Phil nodded, and looked at Dan. “Are you sure you’re okay with it, this moving away business?” Dan looked at him. “Of course I am. You’re old enough to make your own decisions and I have to respect that.” _Of course I’m not okay, I’m about to yell, scream, or do something to show you that I’m not. But I can’t._ “You ready to do the final Dance?” He asked. Phil nodded, and joined Dan in swaying their hips side to side, while Dan talked in his ‘seductive’ voice. It felt strange doing this for the last time with Phil. It had always felt awkward, but at the same time, comfortable and slightly appealing. Dan signed off at last.

“Dan,” Phil said, after making sure the dance went with no bumps, “I have to pack.”

“Of course,” Dan said, waving. Phil left the view of the lens, while Dan did not. He stood there. It felt like hours. Then again, lately, every minute had felt days long when Phil was getting ready to leave for LA. Dan sighed, and stopped the recording. He’d have to go back and edit it all later, with the help of a glass of Zinfandel, a charger, and his trusty Mac. Chances were, he knew, that he and Phil would crack open a bottle in celebration, Dan would drink a glass, and Phil would be on his way. Once Phil had gotten into the yellow cab, and sped away, Dan would revisit the bottle for some quality time, an bring it to his computer to edit the day’s video. Chances also said that he would fall asleep on the sofa, computer whirring beneath his fingers as it, like Dan, shut itself down.

 


	2. The Plane

~Phil POV~

Phil looked out the window in the airport, as clouds started to gather overhead. at least he wouldn’t need the sun cream security has confiscated. Then he realized it was about to rain. Would Dan remember to close all the windows, even the one in the bathroom? Maybe he should call, just to make sure. He shook it off. No, he’ll be fine, Phil reassured himself. Besides he was going to see his amazing girlfriend, and even more then that, live with her. The flight attendant started calling passengers to board, so Phil brushed away any thoughts of everything that wasn’t Cat Valdes.

Once he had gotten seated, he immediately checked on his Tamagotchi. He and Dan had gotten each other one for Christmas, and promised to take care of them. Then Phil slipped it back into his bag, and pulled out his headphones. He turned on Muse, and leaned back into the leather seat. He slowly fell asleep, without realizing his thoughts had drifted back to the brown eyed boy he had left behind.

Phil woke to landing gear and drool on his chin. A flight attendant was shaking his shoulder lightly, telling him that, “Sir, we’ve landed in Orlando.” Phil nodded slowly, thinking about his strange dream. Dan had been eating Maltesers when Cat had tried to steal them. They got in a huge fight, and then it jumped to a different scene. One Phil knew well. Dan had been in a funk, and Phil had to coax him out of it. Only this time Dan’s eyes weren’t brown, but red. He grew into a hell fiend, and then the scene dissipated again to Cat kissing him on the cheek, and saying, “See you then.” Then he woke up. _Odd, but oh well. Only another five or so hours of flying,not counting the week at my mums, and then I finally get to see her again_. He smiled at the thought, and got his bags from over head storage.

Walking out of the plane was like walking on to a horizontal escalator, only backwards. Walking and walking but never really getting far. The heat, combined with preemptive drowsiness, as not a good combination, and Phil knew something was off. _Just get down the landing gate, and to Mum and Dad, then you can sleep_.  He promised. _Just a bit farther_ , he trudged along. He collapsed into a chair near his new gate, and wiped the sweat off his forehead. _Water, I need water_. He decided after cooling slightly.

He went to a small cafe, and ordered a cold water, with a club wrap from the refrigerated area. Paying with money he had exchanged in London. He hung out there, as his parents refused to let him rent a car if he was there, but were late even if they left early. Phil couldn’t blame them, he was like that too. It was something that irritated Dan beyond most other things. Besides when Phil ate Dan’s surprisingly good cereal. When this happened, Dan called it manhandling the cereal, Phil called it a gentle massage. Phil smiled at the memory, and finished his club. Then he drank his water idly, while he sat there watching people pass. People going, people coming, people who planned on sticking around for a while. And Phil watched. People watching was a hobby of Phil’s Dan had never taken to. Cat had, though, with enthusiasm. Thinking about her made Phil smile, and he took out his phone.

To: <Kit Cat> Got off plane a bit ago in FL, have connecting flight a week from tmrw. Can’t wait to see you, ❤

From: <Kit Cat> Awesome!!! So excited for you to start moving in.

To: <Kit Cat> Me too, got all my stuff en route via boat/car/train/plane. Very excited to start living with you in LA. Think I’ll get an American accent?

 

From: <Kit Cat> Maybe! Well, I have to go run some errands, so I’ll talk to you later, alright?

To: <Kit Cat> Okay sweetie <3

Phil sat there smiling at her texts. Then he got one from his mum.

From: <Mum> Waiting to pick you up out front, dear. Can’t wait to finally see my boy off the screen. xoxo

Phil got up, and threw away his trash. Florida waited.

 


	3. Chapter 3

~Phil POV~

Phil had just gone to his room after they had finished dinner. He had taken a bit of aspirin for an impending headache. The spaghetti was good, and Phil was tired but promised he would text Dan, and skype Cat for at least a little while. He logged onto his laptop, and opened Skype.

To: <Danosaur> Hi! I’m in Orlando right now! Sorry if it’s a bit late, but I landed and am at my parents house now.

He clicked the call button next to Cat’s name and waited patiently for her to pick up. When she did, she was sitting with her computer in front of her, obviously multitasking. “Hi!” Phil said, looking at the camera. cat smiled and hi’d back.

From: <Danosaur> Hi Phil. Glad you landed safe.  How’s FL?

Cat smiled widely. “Only another week till we can finally see each other on something that isn’t a screen.” Cat said excitedly.

“I know! I can’t wait to finally pet your dog again.”Phil grinned, and Cat laughed.

“Beta! Come here girl! Come see Phil!” She went offscreen for a moment, and returned with her small French bulldog wiggling in her arms.

To: <Danosaur> Humid. I’m DYYIINNGG. But Skyping Cat right now, so all good. How’s the flat?

“Hi there, Beta! How are you?” Phil asks the screen. The dog snuffles at the screen, then the camera, and Cat laughs.

“Come here Beta.” and Cat tugs the dog back onto her lap.

Phil looks lovingly at the screen. “I really am happy to be living with you now though.” Cat nods.

“How did Dan take it? I know you guys were really close.” Phil sighs.

“We still are close,” Phil corrected her,“he seemed alright I guess. I mean, of course he was sad, but I thought he took it pretty well.”

From: <Danosaur> Empty and quiet. But at least I know you won’t be eating my cereal anymore.

Phil smiled at the message, catching Cat’s notice. “What is it?” She asked.

“Just Dan,” Phil said quickly. “Just checking on how he and the flat are doing.” Phil looks at the clock. “O jeez, I should go to bed. I’m supposed to be doing things with my parents tomorrow.”

“That’s fine. Skype me tomorrow?” She asks, setting Beta down, and focusing on something that isn’t the webcam.

“Probably.” Phil replies, and then says goodbye. He closes it and remembers to respond to Dan so he can tell them that he needs to sleep. _In the meantime, I will get my pajamas on_. He decides. He tosses on Pokemon pajama pants, with a Muse t shirt to sleep in. Then he lays down on the guest bed, phone charging in hand.

To: <Danosaur> I need to sleep, but I’ll talk to you tomorrow. see you on tumblr.

From: <Danosaur> see you on tumblr.

Phil smiles to himself, and lays in the unfamiliar bed. Thoughts slowly work their way back into his mind. Everything will be different now, he realizes. _Not everything,_  He promises. Cat’s still there. His laptop. His possessions. _But it isn’t material I’m worrying about. It’s Dan_. On these thoughts. he falls asleep, for the second time in a row thinking about Dan.

 


	4. The Cab

Dan watched the cab depart, with his best friend inside, heading to a new life, as cheesy as it was. _It’s for the best_ , he promised himself. He looked at his now surprisingly bare flat. Phil had much more stuff then Dan had reckoned, and now it was sparse with only the 24 year olds belongings. Dan looked toward the kitchen, where the bottle of wine was, and where his computer was. He grabbed both, as well as a glass and went to sit on the sofa. He sat down, across from where Phil’s spot used to be. Dan logged onto his Mac, and poured himself a bit of wine. It wasn’t uncommon even when Phil was here. Editing drained a person of energy.

Dan sat down, and realized he had forgotten his camera’s SD card. “Bloody fucking hell,” he muttered. He hadn’t realized how tense and on edge he was after Phil left until that moment. He was about to scream, over a stupid SD card. Dan wanted to through his laptop across the room, his camera, anything that would make him feel something other than despair. Then he just sort of fell into a chair near by.

“Goddamnit. God _fucking_ damnit!” He yelled to nobody. His heart rate leapt, and he could feel it beating wildly in his chest, and he dug his fingernails into his sweaty palms. _Who cared if the neighbors complained? Who cares about me since Phil is gone? He was always the nice one, the neighborly one. He got them gifts for Christmas and said hello in the halls. I’m just the one who sniped at small children, and that no one really cared about._

Dan cursed again, and looked down at his feet. “What am I supposed to do? Theres no way in this god forsaken flat that I can just go on. That isn't how it works.” He sighed, rage draining out of him as fast as it had come. He lay down on the couch, miserably forcing himself not to call or text Phil, telling himself that the flight probably wasn’t even in yet. “Self-control, Dan. You’ve got to keep your head on. You are a grown 24 year old man.” _Without the one person he knows cares about him, with no hidden agendas._

Dan laid there, running over small moments in the past week before he left. Phil changing a lightbulb. Phil eating his cereal. Phil scrolling and scrolling on Tumblr. Them bidding each other, “See you on Tumblr”’s rather than good nights because they both knew that’s where they were headed when they separated at night. Phil waving out the window as he left on the quickly graying day in the yellow taxicab. Dan fell asleep mulling over these moments.

He woke abruptly when he realized that his phone ringing had not been a dream. Dan hurriedly grabbed his iPhone, and checked it. A text from PJ, and a text from Phil. Dan smiled in relief. He opened Phil’s first, and responded to it. Then he opened Peej’s.

From: <PJ> Hey man I was wondering if you wanna get together and film a collab sometime soon.

Dan smiled, but didn’t respond immediately. He wasn’t sure when he wanted to continue making videos for his channel. He looked at his laptop, for the first time, with trepidation. Sitting up, he looked around for his camera. Standing, he stretched. His back popped at least three times, and then he decided to get the SD card, and finally edit that stupid thing. He swiped it up from the counter, and almost dropped it. “Fuck,” he muttered again. Then he poured himself a glass of water, and chugged the entire thing, along with a bit of aspirin. “Time to edit Dan. The people need to know.” He finally sat down and turned on iMovie, and popped in the SD card. Dan opened the file, wondering if he should just stick it on YouTube unedited. Then he reprimanded himself. _Just because you’re sad and morose does not mean you can purposely put bad content on your channel. Phil would be disappointed in you._

He imported the footage to iMovie and started cutting and splicing the Q&A bit. He figured he would mostly leave the announcement alone, as he couldn’t do much to ease the pain of missing his best mate. Take out that, make it a jump cut. Put in a skit he filmed earlier that had to do with the question. He worked the film, until he got to the final question. Dan chuckled ruefully. “Definitely give up Maltesers. By a long shot.” Dan sticks the final question on, and then looks at the next scene, where Phil comes in. “You’re big boy Dan, you can do this.” He presses play, and watches the whole thing through, looking at it only as a clip to be edited, not focusing on any of the words. Or how his own faces looks so desperate for Phil to stay. Cut a bit there, enhance voices a bit there, and done. It’s already ready to be uploaded. Wasn’t difficult. _Except for the fact that as soon as you upload this, questions in the comments will come streaming in, and i have to answer them._

Dan checked his Dance, and put the hyperlinks on, then finally, after a good few hours of late night editing, clicked UPLOAD. Almost immediately after he did this, he heard his phone cry, “Gengar!”  Determined not to seem desperate, he slowly picked it up, and read it, making sure he waited at least a few minutes before replying. He typed a reply, figuring the hurt that came from reading he was skyping with Cat was just from  missing him, and not because he was jealous. Dan sighed again, and knew he should go to bed. It was nearly 1 in the morning, still early, but it had been a long day. He knew he was better off sleeping now because chances were that he’d still sleep till noon the next day.

Dan got his things gathered, and went to set them in his room. Looking down the hall, it was incredibly empty. He crept down the hall, slowly cracking open the door to Phil’s old room. He peered in, and opened the door a small fraction more. The bed was made, the window and closet closed. He crept in a little farther. Finally opening the door completely, he looked at the bed. It was empty. Terribly, coldly, sadly, empty. He tentatively sat on the edge of the bed. It still smelled of, and even more so _felt_ like Phil.

Dan noticed something in a lump behind the door. He flipped on the light, and the lump was a shirt. Dan picked it up carefully and dusted it off. It was Phil’s Gengar shirt, forgotten on the floor. Dan slipped his own shirt off quickly, and put Phil’s on. It was soft and smelled like Phil. Both of them had worn it so many times, there were worn out spots everywhere. Dan looked around, flipped the light off, and climbed into Phils bed. If this was the only way he could keep Phil to himself for just one more night, that was the way to do it, Dan figured.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We finished early so we're uploading a chapter or twoa day, so chek in every day for updates. Thanks! ~The Kienna Duo


	5. The Video

_****_

~Phil POV~

__

It had been a few days since Phil’s Skype with Cat. Dan hadn’t tried contacting him, and Phil tried to respect that. By the third day, he couldn’t take not hearing from him any longer, so he gave him a ring.  It rang. And rang. And when Phil was worried it was going to go to voicemail, Dan finally picked up.

“Hello?” He said, sounding a bit off.

Phil nearly sighed in relief. “Hi Dan. It’s me, do you want to Skype?” Dan mumbled a nearly imperceptible yes, so Phil told him bye, and logged onto his computer.

He clicked the small Skype icon in the small bar that had all his applications. As soon as the small circle next to Dan’s name turned green, Phil selected the video chat button. Dan answered almost immediately. Phil held in a gasp of surprise. _What happened to him?_ He tried to hide the shock and worry that flashed across his face. Dan didn’t pick up on it. _Major red flag. He read’s my face better than anybody, even Cat._ Dan smiled, at seeing Phil again. Practically beamed.

“Phil,” Dan said, “Do you mind if I reply to some comments while we’re talking, so you can hear some too?” Dan looked at him, face pixeled because they were skyping across entire oceans. Phil could still distinguish his brown eyes, and how they were strangely empty.

“Go ahead,” Phil replied, grinning at his younger friend. Dans eyes flicked to below the webcam on the computer and Phil knew exactly where his eyes were going. Chrome, then to his YouTube bookmark. Then he clicked on his Account Management. So on so forth. Phil knew his eyes extremely well. He knew how it took hours for him to even get a minor pain in his neck from scrolling or watching or just computing. Also knew how his neck was sensitive. Phil knew more then he’d probably like to about Dan. What stopped Phil from continuing his train of thought was Dan’s eyes flicking back up to the cam, and then beginning to read aloud.

“Josie Birmingham asks, ‘Why aren’t you doing Radio… One anymore…’” Dan’s voice trails off. Phil was there and knew why. Dan didn’t know that Phil knew. But it was when Dan was in the living room, and Phil had gone out to get some lemon cherry soda they bought that was _delicious_ , when he heard Dan on the phone. Phil was about to turn back when he heard his name.

“No, no, really, it’s all right.” Dan said, talking to whom, Phil wasn’t sure. “I’m not doing it without Phil.” Murmurs from the phone. Phil waited, for once in his life not knocking something over or breathing too loud, or just revealing himself in general. “Thanks again, Gerald,” Dan said. Gerald was their manager at the BBC.

Phil slowly took a step back. At the time he was understanding, if a little confused. Now, he worried more than ever. Dan no longer had a reason to leave the house. Tesco could just deliver his food, he did his videos from his room, and he barely did laundry in the first place, let alone went shopping that often.

Dan looked into the camera “Phil?” He asked, looking at him, forehead crinkling slightly.

“It’s nothing,” Phil said, shaking his head. “Is that my Gengar shirt?”

Dan looked down at the shirt, and nearly blushed. Nearly. “Oh, uh, yeah you forgot it. Want me to send it to Cat’s house?” Dan completely forgot it was on. He had been wearing it since the night Phil left. It didn’t smell like him anymore.

Phil shook his head. “No, it’s alright. Keep it.” Phil already knew he was flying back. Dan looked absolutely horrid. Not showered for days, the shirt was a but grimier than Phil wished. Dan didn’t look like he had done anything with himself except eat and sleep. “Dan,” Phil said, unsure how to phrase his next question.” Dan looked up from his comment-reading. “I was wondering, are you sure you’re alright? I mean, I trust you, and I understand you’re 24, I just…” Phil trailed off awkwardly. Then again, almost everything he did was awkward in some form or another.

Dan avoided looking at his screen, and kept reading. “Yeah, fine, why?” His voice set it off. Quick, shielded, hidden. They never hid things from each other. Not Dan and Phil. That wasn’t their chemistry.

Phil decided something on the spot. “No reason, no reason. Read me another comment.” Dan gave him a strange look, and scrolled a little. _Something’s very wrong_. Dan, why won’t you tell me? Phil watched him, and discreetly opened a new window. He opened up British Airways webpage, and booked a ticket back to London. He wasn’t going to tell Dan. That was the name of the owner of the voice who interrupted his thoughts.

“Jessica R. writes ‘So sad to see him go, but i'm guessing it’s for the best.’” Phil nods. Dan says, “She’s much nicer than some of these others… Here, this one is from Caden Blornodnesaf. I give up on that name. He calls me a fag, and-” Dan stops abruptly, reading what he said about Phil. _He always got angry when people hated on me. Usually over nothing._

“What is it? I can take it” Phil promised. Dan’s face got visibly redder, and more angry in the dimmer light of his room. “Dan…” Phil said again. Dan started very slowly, quietly, and full of rage.

“He said… that ‘your ugly faggot partner should go fuck himself, because he’s alone, and Cat only wants him because he’s easy.” Dan finished quietly, with the same anger filling his voice.

“Dan, it’s nothing.” _It’s not really nothing._ Dan knew very well that Phil was very sensitive about his relationship with Cat, because he didn’t feel like he deserved her. Phil’s feelings were in a constant state of flux because of this. Phil looked at his friend through the screen. Not to mention that the three of them had been friends for a while, and then Dan got third wheeled hard. Dan was very sensitive about Cat, and especially about Phil. It’s no wonder he got heated over this. “Dan, you’ve got to calm down.”

Dan used Phil’s voice like an anchor, clung to it. He relaxed slightly, and sighed.”Sorry,” he apologized.

“It’s fine,” Phil promised.

Dan looked at the time the top right corner of his computer screen, and sighed. “I should sleep,” he said apologetically.

__

“Oh yeah, that’s fine,” Phil said. _You need it…_

_****  
_


	6. The Breakup

~Phil POV~

They hung up, and Phil called Cat.

“Hi sweetie, what’s up?” is how she answered the phone. Phil felt terrible for doing this to her, but he had to. Dan was in one heck of a state.

“Yeah hi Cat. Um, I’m really sorry about this, but I need to go back to London. I’ve booked a flight, and i’m staying there for a while.” Phil waited tensely.

“Wait, you’re what?” Cat said, confusion evident in her voice.

“I’m sorry,” Phil repeated. “It’s just, I Skyped Dan today, and he looked terrible.”

“And a Skype with a boy whose best friend just left _looks terrible? What a surprise_.” Cat’s words stung, and left Phil in a small state of shock. “I’m sorry,” Cat said once she realized what she said. “That was uncalled for. I was just so excited to finally have you out here with me, but now you’re just immediately flying back for Dan. I should’ve known how far you’d go for him.” Phil looked at his phone. _Where is she going with this?_ “Phil, I know everyone says bros before hoes, but if you’re running back to London as soon as Dan even looks bad, then I don’t feel like I’m in your priorities.” _Wait.. oh no_. He breathed out a small uninterpretable ‘no’, before Cat went on. “Phil, I am really sorry, but if I and the plans we’ve been making for months are not as important as Dan, then I don’t think we work together. I don’t want to spend my relationship trying to wiggle up and be as important to you as he is.” Phil stood there, dumbstruck. Until he realized she was right.

“God, Cat, I’m so sorry. I am so sorry because you’re right and I don’t know how I am taking this, but I am so sorry if you’ve felt that way our entire relationship.” Phil could hear Cat sigh, and choke a little.

“Phil, I hope we can still be friends after this. I’d miss hanging out with you guys.” Phil hears a sniffle, and a laugh.

“Of course. But, I really should go.” He says, glancing at the clock. “Yeah yeah, of course. See ya, bye.” Cat hangs up.

Phil stares at his phone, and then flops down on the bed. “What’s happening to your life Phil?” It’s the third night in a row where he’s fallen asleep worrying about his flatmate.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's such a short chapter, but needed to be done, and it didn't need very much detail. We'll be posting the chapter right after this one as soon as we post and preview this one. Thanks! ~Kienna


	7. The Collab

~Dan POV~

To: <PJ> Yeah sure. Wanna do that today?

From: <PJ> Sure, mate. Come over to my place anytime, I don’t have anything going today.

To: <PJ> Now work?

From: <PJ> YeP!

To: <PJ> Be there in 20 min.

It was the day after the Skype, and Dan had not slept. He just kept scrolling. It was like taking some drug, he could do it forever. The difference was that he could go unchecked scrolling for hours. He showered, but only because he was going to Peej’s, and hopped on the tube. Too many stops and a male Clara Oswald later, he arrived at Peej’s  with his camera and tripod in hand.

Peej opened the door, took one glance at Dan, and Dan could read it on his face. Even after his shower, he still looked like complete and utter shit. “Hi to you too,” Dan said sarcastically.

“Oh, yeah, sorry, come on in.” PJ apologized. Dan nodded, and went in. PJ knew something was up immediately. “Something wrong?” He asked, knowing the answer, but hoping Dan would answer it by himself.

“No, I’m fine,” Dan denies, and sits himself on PJ’s couch.

“Dan,” PJ says, sitting next to him. “We are going to my small but mighty balcony with a cuppa each, and you are going to very clearly explain to me what the hell is wrong with you.” Dan looks at him like he’s crazy. PJ smiles, and goes to the kitchen to make the tea. Dan sighs. _Am I that obvious? Damn, Dan. That Skype really must have unhinged you._ Noise from the kitchen brings himself out of his inner conversation. PJ sticks his head out, and nods at Dan. “Ready?”

Dan harumphs. “No, not even close. But I guess I’m stuck.”

“Heck yeah you are, mate.” PJ grins and brings the mugs, and other tea things outside to the small balcony off his flat.

PJ pours the each a cup, and adds various fixins to his own, then looks over the rim of his mug to Dan. Then he sets down his drink, and stares at Dan with piercing blue-green eyes. “Alright, Howell. Spill.” Dan sighs. _No way I’m getting out of this…_ “Phil left.” PJ nods. “Yeah. I get you two were really close, but I mean, this is a little much? So it’s gotta be more then that.” Dan sighs deeply, and debates if he should even tell Peej. “Come on, Danny boy, open up.” Dan nods.

“I think….” Dan swallows. “It was the Skype call, just last night, that did it. I saw him, and i just… I got this wave of indescribable feeling. Like, it was missing, and sadness,and a little anger i think, and… I don’t know what the last feeling was.” You do too. You’re afraid to admit it.

“Dan, this is affecting you a lot more then it affects just friends, and I think you know it.” PJ said carefully. Dan nodded.

“PJ, I think… I think I love Phil. As friends. As flatmates. And god damn, this is so awkward. PJ, I think… I’m pretty sure I’m gay for my best friend.” Dan put his hand across his eyes, because he hates to do that to Phil, PJ,  and himself. “I’m so bloody stupid.” Dan said angrily. “I’ve always been against shipping Phil and myself, and suddenly here I am being fucking gay!”

Then he felt a hand on his shoulder. “Dan,” said PJ, “It’s okay. It’s okay man. Calm down.” Those words brought him back to when Phil said them, telling him to relax when that hater decided to insult him and Phil. For the second time, Dan used Phil, his voice, just him, as an anchor. PJ nodded. “More tea?” he asked. Dan accepted gratefully. PJ knew he needed a little time to himself, to get himself figured out and talk again.

_What the hell Dan? you’re in-fucking-sane. You aren't allowed to be gay for phil. anyone, anybody other then Philip Michael Lester. But no. Of course it had to be the other half of the ship he’d publicly said he was uncomfortable with. Phan. And now he was validating it? You’re crazy. Insane. Bloody idiot. And there is no way in hell or heaven al-fucking-mighty, that he would ever tell him._

PJ knocked him out of his argument, with tea. Dan smiled apologetically at him. “Thanks loads,” Dan said appreciatively. PJ just smiled. “Now that you’re finally on the same page as the rest of the world, are you going to tell Phil?” he asked seriously.

“Are you kidding? No way, he’s with Cat and they’re happy.”

PJ pondered this for a moment. “Then it must be fake. Chris and I see the way you two look at each other, it’s… it’s this amazing adoration of knowing the person you love inside and out.” Dan looked up.

“You make us sound gay, when one of us has barely stuck a toe out of the closet, and the other still has girlfriend.” Dan shook his head laughing nervously.

PJ sighed. “Everyone’s known for ages, you just haven’t admitted it, to yourself either I guess.” Dan looked up at him.

“Were we that obvious? I mean, how’d you realize that at least I liked him?” Dan asked.

“Dan. It doesn’t have to be said. It’s body language and and actions and all around chemistry when you two are together. Alone you’re like completely different people. But when you’re together? It’s like you complete each other, a cheesy as it sounds. You become happier, more coherent with the world when you’re together. You two together… It’s like you two… you sort of… you’re more then soulmates. It’s almost supernatural.” PJ then pauses to see how Dan takes it. Dan, blinks. They sit in awkward silence for a few minutes, Dan’s mind whirling, and PJ being concerned. Dan nods. “Film that video now, yeah?” PJ breaks into a grin of relief.

 


	8. The Return

~Phil POV~

He had been feeling increasingly unwell ever since his first day or so in Florida, refusing to tell his parents, and brushing it off. That’s why Phil had to run to the bathroom in the midst of telling his parents why he was going back to London. Looking back on it, he probably could’ve gone about it with more class, but it was important and Phil _had to go_. He reflected on this, all while feeling like he was going to puke, while in the car service his parents had called for him. He pulled up at the airport, paid the driver, and got out into the heavy Florida heat.

Phil sighed once he got into the port itself, and went to get his ticket from the kiosk conveniently located near the entrance. He got his ticket printed, praying Dan wouldn’t text or call on the five hour flight to the Heathrow airport, LHR. Phil went through security, it was very thorough here in America. He finally got through, and grabbed a drink of water before he went to his gate to board the plane. He nervously looked at his phone, before telling himself it’d be fine. The flight attendant started boarding fliers, and Phil swallowed hard. Once he got on he knew there was no going back. If he stayed off, he could get Cat back, rest himself, and maybe restore a little bit of his life. _Dan is your life. He has been the single constant through all of this. He is your life._

Phil steeled his nerves, and got on the plane. He was seated next to a nice woman named Madelynn, she introduced herself immediately. “You don’t look so good,” She commented, worriedly. _Must be maternal instinct_ , Phil thought.

“It’s nothing,” He promised, looking through his bag, to grab his Tamagotchi. He had forgotten to check on it yesterday, and felt terrible about it. Madelynn peeked at it.

“What’s that?” She asked, interested.

“It’s just something my,” Phil had never paused before, when he was talking about Dan being friends. “Friend got me.” He finished a bit lamely.

“Oh.” She said understandingly. “And are you flying to or away from this friend?” She said, feigning nonchalance.

“I’m flying back to him,” Phil said without thinking.

Madelynn smiled. “Tell me about him. We’ve got plenty of time.” Phil thought about it for a moment.

“Okay, I guess.” He thought about it for a second, then started strongly. “His name is Daniel, but if you ever call him that he threatens to kill you, but I haven’t died yet. He has brown eyes that sparkle, and he has fringe that mirrors mine, and he was my flatmate. I was about to move in with my girlfriend Cat, but i Skyped him and then he looked terrible. I felt really bad for leaving him. We’ve been mates for a long time, but now he’s alone. He hasn’t lived by himself for while. He’s only twenty four but he’s my best friend. We both do YouTube together, and his channel is danisnotonfire. I’m AmazingPhil. We’ve done collaborations, and I really missed him.” Phil stop his rant just short of part of his story.

Madelynn nodded. “Go on, I like hearing you talk about him. You light up in ways  few people do in their lifetimes. He must be pretty special.”

Phil looked at her. “He is. The most special person I know.”

Madelynn smiled. “Go on.” She urged.

“Well, okay…” Phil said slowly. “He wakes up and lays in bed for hours. It isn’t until late that he even gets food. He wears my glasses, when I’m not in contacts, and calls me blind and I don’t mind. I eat his cereal and I put cat stickers on his piano, and he doesn’t mind.” Phil’s smiling widely by now. His Tamagotchi lays quietly in his lap as he goes on about Daniel James Howell. “Dan’s favorite milkshake is butterscotch with white chocolate Maltesers in it. He likes t shirts, except for a leather one he bought as a joke. Dan loves Tumblr, and hates the Blair Witch, which makes him afraid of trees in the dark. We made up a handshake for a video, and we still use it. Instead of saying goodnight, we say ‘see you on Tumblr’ because we both go on it once we get to our rooms and beds. He doesn’t like the news because its almost always sad, and we travel loads together. We’re almost always a double package.” He stopped when he noticed Madelynn giving him a  strange look. “What is it?”

Madelynn shook her  head. “You talk about him like I used to talk about my late husband.” She said softly. Phil was taken aback slightly. Madelynn wasn’t an old woman, under forty for sure. “He died while stationed in Afghanistan. I got the call when I was in line at the grocery store.” She swallows. “I couldn’t function for months. I loved him more then anything, and when he was gone, I was stuck in  rut of missing him. Maybe that’s what happened to your Dan.” She said, hinting at something.

Phil shook his head. “No. We’re just friends.” He insisted. Madelynn raised her hands in a surrender gesture. “My bad. Just, the way you talked about him made it seem…” She trailed off, and stuck her nose in the SkyMall magazine, to presumably leave Phil alone. But what she said plagued him. He couldn’t get it out of his mind for the duration of the flight. They finally landed, and with a secretive smile, Madelynn left the terminal leaving Phil with no ride, lots of thinking, and a lot of explaining to do when he got home.

 


	9. The Reunitement

~Dan POV~

It’s nearly eight and Dan’s been home from PJ’s for a while. Their collab went well, minus the fact that Dan had been a little distracted. But by now, the videos had been up for a couple hours, and Dan figured he could go through a bit of the comment section. He sat down with his laptop and opened his video on one tab then Peej’s in another. As soon  as he sat down, he heard a strikingly familiar knock. Dan sighed heavily and got up, pulled his pants up,(stupid belt) and went to open the door. He opened it to reveal Philip Lester. His eyes bugged out while Phil smiled nervously.

“Hi Dan,” Phil said slowly. Dan kept staring, confused. _No. Nonnonononnononno. I just realized because he was gone and now he’s back and now what do I there’s no fucking way I’m telling him no way in hell but what do i do? **What if I accidentally get a boner**_. Dan’s mind raced while standing there facing his best mate. Phil looked down. “Maybe I shouldn’t have come…” Dan jerked awake.

“Oh my god Phil. Get in here. What the hell are you doing here?” He said getting out of the way so Phil could walk in and bring in his luggage. Phli brought his stuff in quickly, and looked around. Dan obviously hadn’t done much more then changed out of Phil’s shirt, and even then, he could see it slung over a chair.

“Dan, what have you done?” he said, visibly worried about the state of his- what was he to Phil? He’s still a friend. Dan shook his head. “I don’t know.” _What am I supposed to say? That I nearly drove myself mad after you Skyped me? That as a 24 year old, I should be able to take a best friend leaving? Because I can’t lie to Phil. He reads me._ Dan sighs and sits back down at his computer. At least he’d stopped sleeping in Phil’s room.

“Go put your stuff away, and meet me back here,” Dan says tiredly. He plops down on the couch, and flicks through his phone, scrolling through Tumblr. He hears a few clunks of Phil unpacking his bags. Dan thinks about how he should tell Phil he’s gay. Obviously not telling him it’s about him, but otherwise… Dan looked up from his iPhone when PHil came back. Phil sat in his usual spot, after clearing it off.

“Dan…” Phil says slowly, with  bit of confusion in his voice. _shitshitshit._ Dan feels himself becoming more frustrated at the fact that he can’t tell Phil because he doesn’t have the guts and that PHil came back and that Phil totally doesn’t return his feelings and that Dan can’t just man up and tell him. That’s why when Phil says his name, Dan totally loses it.

“What?! What do you want me to say? Thanks for coming back for my poor ravaged feelings? Because i’m not! I was just getting a handle on what was going on, I went and filmed the collab with PJ, I finally began to get back on my feet, and then you come back because of the fucking Skype that threw a wrench in everything! Phil, Goddamnit! I don’t want you back. You need to go live with Cat, and be happy in LA, because I couldn’t live with you anymore after what I've figured out, okay?! I’ve hid it from everyone, myself included but noooo suddenly you leave and I’m a twelve year old boy who just had to flush his goldfish down the loo! I’m old enough to know what’s going on in my life, Phil, and right now its hellish but you know that doesn’t matter because I am back with the person I love most and I should be mad but I’m not. I’m not fucking mad and it kills me.” Dan let it all out in one big angy block of words, leaving Phil dumbstruck.

“Dan, I had no ide-” Phil starts, struggling to get over his shock.

“Of course you had no idea, Phil.” Dan said, his voice softening. “Bloody hell, I had no idea. How would I expect you to know.” Dan rubbed his forehead, sighing annoyedly. “That was… not how I should have greeted you.” Dan said apologetically, bottling up the rest of his anger and sticking it way to talk to Phil.

Phil nodded. “It’s alright. Mostly. I should’ve warned you about me coming, I was worried you’d make me stay in Florida.” Dan gave Phil a look.

“Of course I would. You still have to go live with Cat in LA and keep moving on with your life while I lay here like a stubborn arse.” Dan sighed. Phil nodded, but decided to not say anything about Cat yet.

“Dan,” Phil decided it needed to be dispersed before anything else, if it was the source of Dan’s rage, “Are you… saying that you’re in love… with me?” Phil said slowly looking at him. Dan sighed, and chose to look away. Then he figured he should be confident, and if it burned it burned and throw him back in a pit of misery, but that chance was slim. He looked Phil steadily in the eyes, brown almost confronting blue, clashing.

“Yes. I am in love with you, Philip Michael Lester, and if you do not return my feelings I understand.” Dan said in a strong voice, looking at Phil unwaveringly. Phil blinked a few times.

“Dan…” Normally Phil wasn’t spontaneous at all, but he was here because everything was so on edge and tension and dirty and desperate. Phil leaned in and kissed Dan on the mouth slowly, and then looked at him and pulled back. “Does that answer your question?”

Dan grinned Then it vanishes as he remembered something. “What about Cat?” Phil’s cheeks reddened slightly.

“We broke up when she found out I was coming back to London.”

Dan’s smile returned. “Then I can do this.” he said, kissing Phil again.

 


End file.
